Author: Natasia Vernon
Diagnosis: Neuroblastoma
Age of diagnosis: 10 weeks
HEADS UP: Difficult themes mentioned
Our Monster
There’s a monster in my belly. It caught hold of the inside of a body, tainted me a greyish hue of sick and made itself at home. Gripped so tight, the monster built a whole future for me out of my blood and bones. It’s happy here, settled in its infant form and whispered in the night, my voice so new to both of us; we only knew to cry.
It took up an insurmountable amount of space; the loudest, the biggest, the strongest. Until it met my mother. She held grief in her heart already, met a monster of a similar breed not long before and watched it pave its war path. When she held me, she could feel the weight of the monster, hear the shadows creeping from my skin, see icky green and poisoned cells; her child, now possessed. Her screams ripped through the hospital, cut right to the core of the monster and made it known. Our voices battling in the white walls of a sterile room, the monster forced to an uncertain hush.
At four years old and one bus ride away, a sister is waiting in a house I can’t remember. She hides behind closed doors, listening to the sound of fighting parents or to the claustrophobic quiet of our home. The same home where the father invited in strangers to fill a void that spread by way of viscous sorrow. My sister releases every last drop of salt from her body; she fills the entire house with enough tears to drown.
In a future that will feel a lifetime away, she will lock the door behind her and teach herself to swim. My father’s pain will disperse into the summer wind. My mother will bury her grief in a garden, and her screams will melt down to a prideful melody. The monster will have freed me. I’ll live the life it paved for me, learning to grow flowers from my scars.
Here, living in the empty room I share with the monster, my dad takes me from our crib. He holds me gently in his arms and listens as my heartbeat stills. My mother screams at the doctor that something is wrong. My sister plays with dolls, where she learns to translate life and death into make-believe. My dad grips tighter. My mom begs for flowers; discovers them sprouting from an old wound. Slowly. Steady. My heart.
